This Is Who I Am

Taqseblue

This is who I am. Reality sets in at least once a week. Sometimes it hits a little harder then at other times. But it is something I have lived with my whole life. I am Indian, Native, Indigenous, Sovereign.... Any other host of names that you may want to call me. I have to admit I feel a little funny about the term First Nations. Maybe just a little uncomfortable with that one. To me it has a sense of sounding Superior. That, I know I am not. That is my own personal feeling on that matter. Then I wonder why does that bother me so much?

How does one react to being called First Nations when your whole life the surrounding society has looked down on the people of your color? Something lies beneath the surface of color that many times is ignored by most people except the one experiencing the moment. That something is called "shame". I don't want to use any kind of capitalization for the word. As a matter of fact I don't even like the word. But when I think of First Nations the first thought that comes to my mind is "who do I think I am to call myself 'First' as is I were someone special! Why, I am just a dumb little Indian. My color is like dirt, my hair has no style, my nose is sloped, my cheeks are high, and my face feels droopy. On top of all that I can't comprehend much of society, school or religion! My family history of dysfunction and addictions isn't much to be proud of either, and I include my own life in this category as well.

I can't be the only one out there that has these feelings, or can I? I know of a song written and sung by a man named Dennis Banks. It goes "Mama's don't let your baby's grow up to be Indians" If you are Indian the song will make you cry. But I have noticed that when someone of another race hears the song it does not have the same affect. They kind of just smile and nod their head. No personal reactions to display. Because they don't understand.

How can I help you to understand where "we" Indians come from when my family history brings tears of shame to my face? I have never been important except in my parents eyes, but then there comes a day when your parents can't protect you anymore.

. One day a few years ago I went to have a professional photo taken of myself dressed in my regalia to give to my mother as a gift. The photographer was excited to do the shoot he even asked if he could use the pictures for promo's. I agreed. Having a photo taken is no big deal, but I will always remember him asking me to not smile for one photo. He said he liked all those old time photos of the Indians who were always so serious for the pictures. He said it made the photo look more authentic. I never forgot that moment, because here was one more stigma that I was being requested to live, if even just for a brief moment.

One day when you get a chance go to the history books and look at some of those old photo's this man was talking about and you will see that he was telling the truth. That makes what he said so much harder to swallow. My people never smiled in those photos, maybe that is why Hollywood has envisioned the Indian as emotionless. The quiet, somber Indian with arms crossed, "uhg" and "how" make up the vocabulary. When you see those pictures I hope it will stir in you the desire to look into the history of "the people with no smile".

Christopher Columbus discovered America, at least that is why we celebrate one day of the year in his name. I don't much care for that day. As a child I disagreed with this discovery theory, as an adult I still do. Only now I have much more to disagree with. As a child my ancestors had no purpose for being here. We were discovered roaming around, making no use of the land. We needed salvation from our evil ways and The Christ Barer was the one to bring it, along with murder, deception, and prejudice. I have heard the Christian argument. Christopher Columbus was on a mission from God. Somewhere along the way he got side tracked, we all do so I guess I shouldn't judge him too harshly, but then again it's not my job too. God has already paid to Chris what ever rewards he had coming, good or bad. But now we know as a child to me, my people were insignificant.

Later in years my people would start to claim rights that were guaranteed to them in the treaties made between the U.S. government and the different tribes back in the 1800's. Right before they removed my ancestors off there lands and put them conveniently on small tracks of land they called "reservations". Indians only knew them as "death camps" The removals were not pretty but the reservations were even worse for some tribes. The U.S. chose most of the choicest land for there white people. But my people were savages that didn't require much to survive on, just lard, flower, and beans. Today you can buy authentic Indian Tacos at the modern day pow-wow. Consisting of lard, flower and beans, taken right off the reservation thanks to the U.S. government! We can be creative.

Along with our healthy diet supplied by U.S. We acquired much sickness as well. Given to the Indians courtesy of U.S. Straight out of smallpox infected houses. Those were merry times for the people of this continent. We had no immunities to these diseases, so we died. It is believed that smallpox wiped out nearly 80 to 90 percent of the Native population on this land. But before you go and quote the bible, that plagues and pestilence is a sign of God's judgment. Please consider the fact that this disease was "purposely" introduced to the Indians as a means of genocide by the new inhabitors who were supposed to be Christians. So now we have another reason for feeling insignificant. God wanted my people dead so he could give mother earth to a more civilized and beautiful people, so He gave them the permission to kill us with disease to fulfill his purpose.

Did you hear the one about the drunken Indian? Not much to tell, he fell down. No one helped him get up. Hear about his son? Same thing. Nope, not much to tell.

I was back home in Washington state a few weeks ago. Went back to the church I was saved at. Big church, right on the reservation. My sister was recently saved there. She died January 3 of this year. Thank God for his mercy. She was only 26 years old. Beautiful Indian woman. She left behind a 3 year old and a 9 year old daughter. I pray every day that their lives will be better then hers. After 13 years of addiction to alcohol and drugs, treatment 4 times. Jail, living on the streets, death of a fiancé'. Marriage, physical abuse then divorce. She finally excepted Christ again in jail last year. She spent the last 2 months of her life living for Christ. She got sick on Christmas, pneumonia. She was HIV but the doctors said the autopsy showed her death was not from aids or HIV. One of her biggest fears was dying of aids, she had seen too many of her friends die that way and knew it was painful. God was good, she died of complications caused by a procedure they performed on her. She was sedated, she didn't even feel the stroke when she had it. She went from blissful sleep to the open arms of her sweet Jesus within the blink of an eye. Her struggles were so many God took her at her best. I know her rewards are many for what she overcame the short time she served Him here.

Why mention my beautiful sister here? Because I realized that her life was that of your typical Native American woman alive today. All of these things were backed by the notion that she was Indian, unimportant, insignificant. These things lived within her heart because these are the things that effect every man, woman or child of native decent. We all feel it, we all know it's there. How we react to it is up to each one of us.

Growing up I only saw my people get beat down. Then I read about being a savage. Then I was told to go to college but how could I if I was a dumb Indian? Too many contradictions to carry! I believed in God and the Great Spirit as the same, just by different name. The bible says that God is Spirit and his worshipers must worship Him in spirit and in truth But we are told our spirituality is of the devil. Too many contradictions!

The Indians believed in family. That is why they lived together in tribes. Then one day "One Nation Under God" came and started taking away the children. We are told by our beloved elders that our languages are almost extinct because when they were but 5 and 6 years old they were taken from their families, put into boarding schools and were beat for even speaking in their own tongues. Why were they trying to separate us from family while at the same time trying to teach us about being "united". If God had given us different tongues why is it evil for us to pray in our own tongue? Too many contradictions!

About that church I was saved at, that one sitting on the reservation? It would suffice to say that the majority of their congregation is mixed. Black and white. So I have to ask, with such a big mission field not less then a mile away. Why is my Indian brother still living above the tavern down the street. I went back to visit 5 years ago, he cried when I prayed for him. Such a desire to seek Christ but no one to reach out and pick him up with the love of Christ. I have one younger brother attending the church now. And I have to ask him, why has this huge church not had any impact on our own people? Have they forgotten us all together? It was not by chance I walked into that church that one Sunday morning. God led me there, I know that for sure. But not everyone can hear the Masters call. Some are so lost in "Shame". They will never get out until someone shows them the way. And let's them know they are significant in Gods glorious creation.

If you are going to reach Native people then you must understand we are human too. It has taken me along time to accept the fact that God made me the way I am. This is who I am. Generations before me were told that God made a mistake when he made Indians. That is the legacy that most Native people carry.

Even today you don't know who we are. Because we are so few our voices are not harkened too when we have something to say. We are as shadows of the past. I look around me and I can't find many like me. But then again I am a new creation, all things are made new. So what am I looking for anyways? If I am a new creation, why do I carry the weight of my ancestors pain? Too many contradictions!!!!!!!!!!

Jacqueline L Gordon

AKA Taqseblue

Swinochip7@aol.com